The first step of unassholing yourself is to admit you’re an asshole. No one likes the self-leveling of pride by admitting to their fellows they cannot be a genuinely kind person when it comes to dealing with others. In fact, some may maintain to their deathbeds that they were kind, well-intentioned humans without any self-awareness at all of their own assholiness. These are usually those constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves (or others).
I will be the first to admit it. I’m an asshole. I’m a self-centered, egotistical, stubborn asshole. I wasn’t always an asshole…actually, perhaps I was. I mean, with the persistent crying, demanding to be fed at all hours of the day and night, pooping my diapers all the time expecting someone else to clean me up right away, or else! What an asshole! I would say things got better the older I got, but, nope.
The condition especially worsened two years after I entered this world when my sister made her arrival on the scene. At the tender, helpless age of 6 months old, my only sibling endured first hand the extent of my assholiness after I dragged her chunky, little baby body to the curb for the trashmen (in those huge trucks that looked like monsters to a two-year old) with hopes the men would haul her annoying, asshole, attention-stealing existence away! True story!
My dear little sister would be the initial catalyst to some of the worst of my assholiness. She would later endure years of torture and become the victim of the most humiliating of childhood pranks and antics initiated by yours truly. Everything that was mine, was mine. Everything that was hers, was also mine. That was made clear pretty early on in our relationship. Most of the trouble I would get myself into with my parents was the result of the assholiness I bestowed upon my little sister. I even recall a time where I made her cry and then in my attempts to quell said crying, almost resulted in her passing out by my trying to muffle the sound with my hand over her mouth whereby obstructing her breathing passageway. Looking back, I feel horrible and will never forget the odd shade of blue her face turned.
Karma was later a bitch though, and my school days became time spent enduring several instances of the assholiness of other children. This lasted until 8th grade and transformed completely freshman year of high school. High school started in a different state with all different kids who hadn’t known me growing up, which meant I could re-create myself and become whomever I thought would be the most liked by my peers. This wound up meaning that I would volunteer as hostess for sessions with “Mary Jane” and “Lucy” while my mother was at work as our house happened to be right down the street from the school. My friends and I made a habit of ditching class rather than getting an education, but we worried not of such things.
My assholiness was subdued in those years, except when it came to my dear mother, who suffered the wrath of my truancy, and I hers, by being grounded for the better part of 3 years. Because of the restriction during high school I probably escaped a number of teenage complications and legal problems as most of my rebelliousness happened during the day (while I should have been in school, mind you). You see, because I was always grounded for skipping school, it was only obvious to me that I had to skip school in order to have any kind of social life. My high school had an open campus with off-hours so it was never truly apparent who was supposed to be in class and who was on an off-hour so there were always groups of kids loitering around the area. (As a result, I literally didn’t pass a class until my junior year.)
Jumping ahead a bit to the pinnacle of my assholiness came the discovery of alcohol. I literally don’t recall much of my life from the age of 20 to 26 years old, when I stopped drinking. The little I do recall of my early 20’s consisted of blackout drinking, two DUIs, several trips to the city detox, waking up in a ditch with a black eye, losing my keys, wallet, and my car a few times followed by some time locking myself indoors (mostly alone with my booze eventually so I wouldn’t get in trouble) until I finally quit drinking. I managed to retain a good job at a law firm during those years somehow, but I was hungover every day only to repeat the daily cycle of drunkenness by stopping at the liquor store after work to get the night’s case of Budweiser. Gross! Just thinking of that red, rectangular box of beer makes me nauseous.
Alcohol not only made me more of an asshole, it made me violent and mean, among other things. This asshole and alcohol didn’t make for a prudent concoction, that’s for sure. It made me just as needy and helpless as my 6 month old sister when I kicked her to the curb. I had to do the same to alcohol. Luckily, I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, which brings us to the second step of how to unasshole one’s self.
Although I didn’t get much in the way of a formal education, I have always been precocious, intellectually self-sufficient, and my love for science and knowledge renders me like a sponge for information that I find fascinating. At times, however, being too smart for my own good, I have usually had to learn things the hard way. Did I mention being stubborn? My dad would call me “hard-headed”. Even though knowledge is all-powerful, “John Barleycorn” had to cut me down to right size through humility before I could pause long enough to see the errors of my ways, to realize MY way wasn’t working. I had to start relying on something bigger than myself.
When I first admitted my unmanageable assholiness, in doing so also came the realization that I was also a self-righteous asshole, which was ironically what I contemptuously condemned in others for so long leading to further justification of my behavior. Perhaps you can see how a vicious cycle of blame and victimhood could manifest, fueling a rationalization of desire to escape through the bottle; therefore rendering myself unfit and unsuitable for social interaction.
However, in order to stay sober, at first I had to become social and commune with others who were fellow recovering denizens of the spirits. Through this process I saw where intellect and humility could be compatible. It is also here where I found the gift of faith through grace. Yet there is a dark side that still remains. When a lack of self awareness creeps in and I feel the onset of depression, I can fall into old behavior believing I am demonstrating some semblance of humility when in reality, I am wallowing in some heightened state of emotionalism, superficially masked as humility.
Upon honest appraisal I can see where I am asking for something for nothing. I can become so full of unfounded woe and self pity, feelings of uselessness, unhappiness, not being of real help to anyone, that there is no room left for the grace of a Higher Power to dwell. It is in this state, so self-deceived, that a return to sanity, a “soundness of mind” is impossible.
Thus, I must be reminded, since again, I am stubborn, that through grace I have been restored, and that even though I’m still an asshole, internally mostly and to myself, mostly, I still need to keep my inner “house” in order. This means that I cannot rest on my laurels by retreating into boredom, morbid reflection of past transgressions, and most importantly, I must be reminded that will power and self-knowledge are not enough for me when I seep down into the doldrums where I can find myself residing when I have too much time on my hands to become fretted or vexed over the state of things or “no things”.
Loneliness is a big trigger for me, however self-imposed my solitude. I tend to prefer being alone where I can wallow in my winter of discontent without interruption. That, and the void of obligation is compared to heaven, to this asshole. Perhaps I’m also a bit of a masochistic asshole. Maybe I just know that I’ll be called out on my BS if I tell others what’s really going on, which would mean having to do the work. WORK…ahhhh!
The third step to overcoming assholiness is three-fold. The first two steps up until now were comprised of reflection. Acknowledgment and admission leading to faith in a change. Now comes the four-lettered word, work. Work equals affirmative action. It’s the action that must be taken in order to recognize what is lacking. The entryway through a locked door. What is imperative to the third step is the willingness to make a decision not to be an asshole. Willingness is the key that unlocks the door. Once there is a willingness to find another way of being, surrendering and trusting that assholiness can be overcome, the door to a new realm almost automatically opens.
Surrender, trust and becoming willing to be a genuinely kind human being to others is the cornerstone of the steps. It shouldn’t be that difficult to care for others. Well, it can be difficult when we don’t care for ourselves, or are EXTREMELY selective in our care limiting our care to just one other person out of some safety or defense mechanism (usually to the emotionally unavailable). However, the trick is you can never be certain that one other person will actually care about YOU. Which is where we can run into trouble. Herein lies the problem with that, so, we MUST become WILLILNG to be kind and loving to others and not just one other person. It is the only way! We’ve got to spread the love out.
Step 4 is where we have to take a look under the hood and figure out the root cause(s) of our assholiness. Here are some good questions to ask yourself:
- Where are we selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate?
- Whom have we hurt?
- Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?
- Where were we at fault?
- …and then we think about what we should have done instead.
We have to look at all our asshole issues, which usually stem from childhood traumas and what we didn’t get enough of as a child or what we got too much of as a child. For instance, some people could have been withheld love by their mother or father, while other people perhaps were smothered by one of their parents. These types of psychological issues have to be rooted out and addressed, or healed, and can take time and can vary from person to person so I won’t take too much of your time (or mine) in explaining this step.
This forth step is very comprehensive, to say the least. This is also very curtailed to your own experience. I have done this exercise many, many times over the years and still do it. Maybe it will help you! It helps to write it down on paper so you can come back to it at a later time for a recap (and to use for steps eight and nine).
The fifth step is very important to removing the assholiness. There is yet more action to take here. It may have been hard enough looking at ourselves why we’re such assholes, but now THIS??? We MUST, MUST admit these things to another human being. We just admitted the causes of our assholiness to ourselves, but now we have to tell somebody. God already knows, so there’s that, but for some reason when we admit it to another, verbally, these things lose their power over us. These asshole traits seemingly diminish, which is what we want if we want to stop being such an asshole and for the unassholiness process overall.
Unfortunately, if you skip this vital step, the power remains and you’re going to keep repeating the same asshole moves over and over. Don’t keep it to yourself. There is something worth mentioning about the ultimate power of admitting our faults to another trusted individual that is uncanny. We may sometimes find that when we do divulge our deepest secrets, we either come to find out that what we thought was so horrific and unspeakable has happened to other people, or they have experienced the same feelings and thoughts, or done the same horrible things or worse! You’re not unique. Trust me. Stop living the double life, stop being the actor behind the mask, and trash the reputation you think you need. You don’t.
Personally, I’m such an asshole because of my pride. My pride is my biggest downfall. There are times I would rather save face, completely miserable than just unload and illuminate every dark cranny of my assholiness. If only I would fully take this step withholding nothing, I would be free. It sounds easy enough, and to some it is the most freeing experience of their entire existence.
The sixth step is more willingness. Now that we see our faults and have admitted them to another, we are ready to have these real causes of our assholiness removed. Removed, you ask? Yes, removed. As in: extracted from you! It happens! When you are ready for the sludge and crap that makes you an asshole to be removed from your life, your being and existence, THEY WILL BE REMOVED! You must use the key, though. Remember, the key? The key is willingness. You mustn’t have any reservations whatsoever of your desire to have the sludge and crap removed, or it won’t work.
The seventh step is in the asking that these things be removed. A Power greater than yourself, your Higher Self or God (semantics) will do the rest. At this point of the steps we are usually pretty ready for the removal, so after admitting, acknowledging and having faith by doing the work in steps four and five, unassholing ourselves becomes a foreseeable achievement! We are then on our ways to becoming useful again. YAY!
Steps eight and nine are going to be tied with step four. When asking ourselves the question “whom have we hurt” we could have come up with quite a long list of others (perhaps even ourselves). Step eight is to write a list of those whom we hurt.
This is perhaps the hardest step of them all, this is step nine. This part is where we get to make amends to anyone we have wronged through our assholiness. Unless in doing so would harm them more. In other words, there are times when we should let sleeping dogs lie, and just resolve ourselves to be better next time, or in the future to others. However, making amends wherever possible is of paramount importance. It is always proper to apologize for being an asshole. There are even times when I catch myself in the midst of my assholiness and I abruptly stop and just simply say, “I’m sorry.” It becomes easier with practice to the point where you can catch yourself before you even do it. That is the ultimate goal and reason for the steps.
The tenth step is continuing to look for asshole behavior and like I just said, admit it promptly when we see when we’re doing it.
Step eleven is to meditate and to remain consciously aware of being less of an asshole. When we are calm and collected the chances of a slip are less likely to occur.
Step twelve is to pay it forward and teach others how to overcome their assholiness by leading by example. The attractiveness of your brand new, shiny, new demeanor of being kind and loving will be its own promotion of being.
Good luck!
Perception 